For those of you who have known me, you know I was raised as a Christian.
Catholic upbringing, Catholic Schooling, and have been a member of the Church Choir,
or Church Music Ministries for years. I was even an altar boy for most of my grade school days.
I was involved with my High School Brothers in a weekly Prayer Group for so long also.
And as you know, I have expressed my faith and belief on this site multiple times.
There is even an actual Category for Worship Music on my Chorus page.
Because that is my background. I grew up playing in Church and singing the songs.
Anyway, Easter is coming next week and usually by this time
I am already preparing for another song to add here.
However. In the last couple of years, I have hit a wall.
And I call this wall “Disappointment.”
Well. that’s what I call it for now.
You see, I have been trying to justify my feelings about my Faith lately
and I can’t seem to find a word for how it’s affecting me.
First I went with “Disappointment” just like what I’ve said.
Then I went with “Angry.” Because that’s what I mostly am on a day to day basis.
Every time I attempt to pray, I get angrier and angrier.
I have been taught by my Faith about the power of Prayer.
And I believed it. I believed it with all my heart.
Especially when I hang on to the Holy Words of “Ask and ye shall Receive.”
“Seek and ye shall find.”
Well, I did “Ask.”
I did “Seek.”
I prayed like I haven’t prayed before.
But…. Apparently, it wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I do not really know how to pray.
Maybe I wasn’t worthy enough to be heard.
Maybe what they say is right.
“It’s all in the Divine Plan.”
Not “Your Plan.”
It’s just the Plan will make you believe and hope that “Your Plan” will work and will be granted.
And then stab you in the back right at the very end and laugh at you for being the sucker you are.
For being such a fool to even begin to hope.
But what do I know. I am just a regular guy who has a website expressing his thoughts.
But here’s what I now know.
I finally found the perfect word to define what I feel about my Faith these days.
And that word is, “Hurt.”