I got this from a forwarded email.

I AM THE NEW CANADIAN

I am a minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this county,
I was born in 1972, yet I am responsible for some Native’s great great
grandfather who screwed himself out of his land in the 1800’s.

I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make up until mid July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant.
These same people cannot name this country’s new Territory.

Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft Dinner, and don’t have a pot to piss in,
I sleep well, knowing that I’ve helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver
for some unskilled Chinese refugee.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate,
Quebec still provides my nation’s Prime Ministers.

95 percent of my nation’s international conflicts are over fish.

I’m supposed to call black people African Canadians.
Although I’m sure none of them have ever been to Africa,
or east of Halifax for that matter.

I believe that paying a 200 percent tax on alcohol is fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14,
I will be considered a criminal if I don’t register it.

I DO know Jeff from Toronto.

I often “badmouth” the United States,
and then vacation there three times a year.

I’m led to believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes 30
dollars an hour is underpaid and therefore must go on strike,
but paying 10 dollars an hour to someone who works 12 hour shifts at 40 below on an oil rig is fair.

I believe that paying 30 million for 3 stripes painting (The Voice of Fire)
by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase,
even though 99 percent of this country didn’t want it.
Or will ever see it.

When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make.
I say “Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans”.

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry,
because I control the rain.

My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
And I don’t know either of them.

Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America,
the biggest military buffer for the United States,
and the number one destination for fleeing boat people.

I am not an angry white male.
I am an angry broke taxpayer.

My name is Bob, and I AM CANADIAN.

I think I am gonna cry.

It’s impossible to keep this house quiet.
I mean it.

Tyler is growing so fast and wants to see every little thing.

He would fight so much to stay awake, just to see what that sound was,
or that flash of light.

He hears the floor creak, the toilet flush, the neighbor’s thump,
the dog’s breath, his father’s sigh.
But he get’s so sleepy that his head wobbles from side to side,
or worse he would lose his balance and fall.
So, being the mother of the house,
I try my best to keep the place quiet, or dark.

To start off,
We live in a place that is full of kids and pets.
Kids whose only means of communication is to scream.
They would go in and out of their house, slamming their front door,
exhausting their wind pipes to the point of madness.

Of course Tyler would hear every single one of them even if I cover his ears.

Our area is also an official petting zoo.
So the Dog would see all of them and bark like a dimwit.
He gets really upset when other dogs sniff his territory.
As the dog barks, Tyler thinks it’s time to play.

And who the hell phones someone after 9 at night?
Around 8, I understand because some people are just plain assholes.
But after 9?
Did I miss something here?
I do not call anybody after 9.
Do you?

Someone called me tonight at 10 o’clock.
What was that for?
Is it really that important that it can not wait til tomorrow?
Even worse, they won’t even leave a message.
I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a world where
if your phone rings late at night,
either someone is hurt or your uncle’s grandmother’s friend’s sister is dead.
Shheeezzzzzz!!!!

As I near my victory of putting my son to sleep,
I suddenly hear a loud screeching sound of a car accelerating.
The exact same screeching sound at a movie parking lot, by those boys
who just seen “2 fast 2 furious”, trying to impress those teenage girls.
Who in the hopes of stepping on the gas pedal harder,
might possibly improve their chances of getting their phone number,
or their AOL screen name.
Yeah you know what I am talking about.

And to top it off,
some jerkwad decided to set off his Canada Day fireworks
at the stroke of midnight.

Lovely.

According to a section on NASA‘s web site,
and answered by Paul Butterworth and David Palmer regarding the speed of the rotation
of the Earth, they said:

The circumference of the Earth at the equator is 25,000 miles.
The Earth rotates in about 24 hours.
Therefore, if you were to hang above the surface of the Earth at the equator without moving,
you would see 25,000 miles pass by in 24 hours,
at a speed of 25000/24 or just over 1000 miles per hour.

Multiply by cosine of your latitude to see how fast the Earth is rotating where you are.

Earth is also moving around the Sun at about 67,000 miles per hour.

On a day this hot, at this rate of speed,
You would think there would be at least some wind.

IT’S HOTTER THAN HADES!!!!!!!!!

Since I got the Harry Potter book 5,Order of the Phoenix, yesterday,
(A big thank you to Ferris, who hooks me up all the time),

Let this little update of mine, be my official apology to my good friends back home.

I take back what I said about Harry Potter being gay and nonsense.
I totally understand the obsession and hype about it now.

I have read all four books, and watched the two movies,
heck I even own the DVD’s.

They have been asking me to try and read the HP Books
and I always say no..
But now that I had, I must say,

The books tell a great story.
I think the characters are amazing, the stories riveting,
and the twists are breathtaking.

Excellent plots, no profanities,
just big words like
“Cauldron”, “Goblet” and “Dementor”

Now hopefully, my friends won’t ask me to read
them Daniel Steele, Mills and Boon and Nancy Drew crap.

We finally made it.
We moved the couch from the basement up to the living room.

After 3 huge holes on the wall, chipped paint,
scrapes, bruises, sore muscles, jelly arms,
aching heads, banged up knees…

But are we comfortable?

Oh yeah!

While watching the 2003 MTV Movie Awards rerun,
Tracy saw that rap singer 50 cent perform,
and said.

“..that 50 cent is butt ugly.. he ain’t worth a nickel.”

That woman makes me laugh.
I’m keeping her.

Situation: Uncomfortable couch in Living room.

Idea: Get the comfortable (favorite) couch from the basement
to replace said couch in living room.

Objective: To accomplish idea, within the
span of time given while child is asleep.

SCENE 1, ACT 1
Tyrone and Tracy, on the basement stairs, moving and maneuvering the said furniture:

Tyrone: Are you holding it? Be careful.
Tracy: Yes I am, just tell me when to push.
Tyrone: on three, okay?
Tracy: okay!
Tyrone: one…two…three… Ummppffhhhh!!
Tracy: Ummmnnnnfffff!!!

CRAAASSHHH!!!

Tracy: What was that?
Tyrone: What was what?

Tracy looks at this and gasps —>

Tyrone: I think we’re stuck. I can’t pull anymore.
Tracy: Oh we are stuck alright.
Tyrone: What do you mea… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tyrone screams as he sees this —>
and this —>

SCENE 2, ACT 1
After unleashing hell, Tyrone and Tracy sits down, having a little chat.

Tracy: Maybe we can fix it.
Tyrone: Yeah, I’ll go to Home Depot and ask them for help.
Tracy: I’ll ask my Mom too for ideas.
Tyrone: Wait. I have an idea.
Tracy: What?
Tyrone: Let’s just tell our landlord
that I was hearing voices in the wall,
and I couldn’t take it anymore so I smashed my head through it.

Silence.

Tyrone: Hey where are you goin’?

Conclusion: Couch is still in basement. Damaged and ripped.
Body aches and scratches. Maybe we’ll try it next time.

But Daddy!, Mommy said she has to wrap it first.

You know sometimes I get so depressed.
It’s just sometimes I do not think I can handle it all.

There is so much going on that I wish
everything would just end.

That’s normal right?
After all, I am just human.

Who do I turn to?
No one.

I write my thoughts here on this little journal,
because, like I have said,
some of my thoughts need to be unloaded from time to time.
My mind can only hold so much.

I try to pray at night,
but most of the time,
I am so exhausted, that I end up falling asleep,
right after “Dear Lord.”

I know we are being tested
that’s why we encounter all our problems.

Funny how you spend your life,
figuring out solutions to all of them.

It never ends,

Work,
Pay the bills,
Clean the house,
Raise your kids,
Work,
Pay the bills,
Do we have enough?,
Work,
No we don’t,
Pay the bills,
We’re out of food,
Work,
Pay this and that,
May back hurts,
Car repairs,
Work,
Rent is due,
Work,
Bills again,
.. and to top it off,
health problems.

You just can’t have it easy huh?
No. You can’t.

Sometimes I think I get tested so much that I am wondering,
if I am at least passing.
If not, should I still go on?

Tracy gives me words of encouragement,
and she always tell me,

“You are not the general manager of the universe.”
“Your problems are just a tiny spec on what the real deal is in this world.”
“And this too, shall pass.”

You know I never really paid attention to what she said,
until I saw this.

–> Powers of ten.

Can you imagine where we stand in the whole vastness of things?
Amazing huh?

It’s also amazing that,
the universe is so huge,
and humans are just a tiny spec of dirt.
But our Lord God still prefers us, and looks after us
before everything else.

Wow.

In conclusion,
I may be bitter, depressed, down and miserable
because of my problems and whatever pulls my chain,
I know I have the right to be, because they are mine.
And the only one who can help me is ME.

But.

I also know that,
I will never be given anything that I could not handle.

And if the time comes when I am overwhelmed,
I would just sit back, and let my God do the driving.

As long as I get to work the stereo.