My name is Ty,
and I am morbidly obese.

A couple of days ago,
I was talking to my Mom on the phone.

As a loving son, who misses his Mother’s cooking,
I asked her, like I always do, what she had for dinner,
So I can reminisce, how good her cooking was.

She said,
“Oh I don’t eat dinner that much, so I don’t cook a lot.”

I was flabbergasted!
That can’t be right!
My Mom and cooking go together like drugs and alcohol.
(I’m just kidding, She don’t do alcohol.)

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

She said, “Oh I am getting too fat” I need to lose weight.”

Now, for those of you who haven’t seen my Mom,
She is just a tiny little pixie.
I do not know what weight she was talking about.

So anyway,
The weight problem topic quickly shifted towards me,
And she said,

“You need to lose weight too,
especially when you go out looking for work.”

Curiously, I asked, “Why is that?”

She said,
“I read somewhere that they discriminate those who are obese.”

Whew!, good thing I have good sources once I get out in the real world.
That takes off, a whole lot of pressure.

I wonder if they also discriminate those who have thinning hair?

Ladies and gentlemen.
May I introduce to you,

The reason why my life is sometimes miserable.
The reason why I have anger management problems.
The reason why I hate everything,
and the one that is responsible for all the bad luck in my life,
My imaginary friend,

My “Bad Luck Troll.” (tada!!!)

Yup.
You heard me, boys and girls.
It does exist.

Sometimes my wife, Tracy makes fun of me.
She thinks that the reason I am angry with everything,
is that I have this notion that the whole world is trying to get me.
That everything bad happens is directed at me.
That for some “God Forsaken Reason”, I feel like I have the worst luck.

This “Troll” sits on one corner waiting for me to feel a little bit of happiness,
Then “BAM”!!!
Another bad thing will happen.

This “Troll” seems to have a knack on giving me hell,
right on the heels of the last freakin’ bad luck it gave me.
I don’t even have time to fucking recover, nor at least breathe!

He (or She, I don’t want to be prejudiced here), is the reason why I feel this way.
The reason why I have so much hate that I just can’t get rid of.
Why my back hurts so much, I think it’s going to snap!
The reason from all this pounding headaches.
The reason my fucking neighbors become assholes the moment Tyler takes his nap.
The reason why I drop things.
The reason why I get stuck in traffic.
The reason why I always hit a red light too.

Sometimes I try to outsmart this stupid troll of mine
that I take random routes to different locations,
but I still hit a fucking road construction site,
that they just purposely started when I decided to take that way.

The reason why the US Immigration people are fucking slow,
and won’t process my fucking papers,
so I can fucking work!

The reason why Bank tellers, Bill collectors and Drivers license people
become heartless, blood sucking bitches when I engage their valuable services!

Come to think of it,
this fucking “Troll” told the governments of Canada
to fucking leech all my money from me!

The reason why I can’t sleep at night,
and if I did,
there will be some fucking asshole,
with his car audio blasting like the asshole he is,
drive by and stop right in front of my house.
Of all the fucking houses in our street, he stops on mine!

And you know that shower rack in your bathroom?
The thing where you put your shampoos and soaps?
How many times have you heard that thing would just suddenly fall and hit someone in the head?
Ask me!!

The reason my back hurts,
The reason I am losing my hair,
The reason my vision is bad,
The reason I am fat,
And the reason why everyone drills into my head
that I am fucking fat and losing my hair.
Like I don’t fucking know it already!

And the reason why you see all these people,
who fucking waste their life on drugs and alcohol like their money is freaking unlimited!
While the only unlimited supplies I have are these bad lucks that this fucking “Troll” sends me.

Is it my Karma?
Is it my Karma from all the people I’ve hurt before?
Fuck that!!
What about those who have hurt me?
What about the good things I have done?
When do I get to reap them?
Were they even recorded somewhere?

I don’t believe in Karma!
It’s just something people invented so they can fucking trick you to be nice to them.
I don’t care what other people think anymore.

Even Christmas!
Why would millions of heartless, Cold-blodded,
cruel, nasty, spiteful people change because it’s Christmas?
Everyone suddenly becomes joyful and triumphant!
One holiday doesn’t make you a saint just by giving gifts.
Does it?
Oh yeah, I forgot… Christmas is all about gifts!!!!

What is that you say?
It’s about love? And peace? And giving?
BULLSHIT!
Anyone who believes that Christmas is about love and peace,
hasn’t been at WalMart, during their holiday sales.

It’s all about how many gifts you receive.
It’s all about who has the prettiest lights and decor in your street.
Do you remember your most memorable Christmas?
Is it about that this is the Lord’s Birthday?
Or was it because you actually received something that was on your wish list?
The spirit of Christmas has been long gone!
Rudolph’s head is on someone’s wall.

Some people would say,
“Oh there are other people who have worse luck than yours.”
Well, thank you very much Dr. Phil!
I am fully aware of that.
Why don’t you be nosy somewhere else, or count something.
You bag of shit!

Or someone would also say,
“Yes, but that’s just life.”
Yes, I know that too,
but I am not like other people who enjoys all the senseless things in this world!

Or some hippie would say,
“You just have to know the best things in life. The best things in life are free”
Yeah, you’re right.
The best things in life are free.
Plus Shipping and Handling!

These are my problems and I have the right to complain.
Sometimes, in the music of my life, I hit a sour note.
Apparently, this sour note is on maximum sustain and I am tired of it.
I don’t need anybody’s help,
Nor anybody’s sympathy.

The Matrix is fucking programmed to get me!
And Neo is fucking dead!

Oh and the latest?

The car broke down the other day,
so I got the call from the auto shop.

“Hello Mr. Tyrone, Sir.
the transmission is shot and needs to be replaced,
it will cost you $1,850.

Oh and a certain “Mr. Troll” sends his regards.

FUCKING GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memory,
All alone in the moonlight,
I can smile at the old days,
I was beautiful then. (or was I)

These past few days,
A very exciting thing has happened to me.

I got in touch with some old friends,
whom I though I have lost forever.

Friends who share a lot of memories with me.
Memories which I thought will never be reminisced again.

My friends from way back in grade school.
Even Kindergarten.

Now that’s a good 20 years.
Give or take.

We have been sharing recollections back and forth,
that it just feels overwhelmingly enjoyable.

I remember,
Laughters, tears, jokes,
arguments, songs, dances,
first crushes, love teams, hate teams,
most hated teacher, most hated subject,
class clown, class bully, class nicknames,
cafeteria incidents, most embarrassing moments,
classroom events….. and so on.

Just like my friend Abigail said,
“The floodgates have been opened.”

Friends I though I’d lost,
Memories I thought gone.

Thanks to the power of the internet,
I have rekindled old friends and old memories.

I guess, I have found some of my lost treasures.
May this be a start of renewed friendship.

(Cue loud orchestra music with Barry Manilow singing)

…….I remember,
The time I knew what happiness was,
Let the memory ……..
live again!!!!!!

Annnnnd cut.
Fade to black.

The other night,
Tracy and I went out to buy a Christmas tree.
Our first Christmas in our own house.
This time I am not settling for the fake ones.

So we found one that we liked, and boy did it smell good.
A freshly cut Douglas Fir.
I guess I was so used to having the smell of Christmas plastic,
that I can really appreciate the sweet scent of its holiday nectar.

And I don’t mean the smell of a newly opened Car Pine freshener smell,
I mean one that would lift your spirits up
and make your whole Christmas ambiance complete.

Speaking of Spirits.

While we were out choosing our Christmas tree,
there was this family, A husband, a wife, and a little boy,
trying to buy one of their own as well.

But, as I noticed the guy, holding a beer can,
acting very cocky, with his speech slurred.
So, I became a bit upset,
because I know that this guy is not capable of maneuvering a vehicle,
right in the middle of downtown traffic.

So, we assumed that his wife will be the one driving their BMW 325i,
and that will be the end of that.

But, as we further investigated,
we saw the wife, drinking her own beer too.

Now first of all, Tracy and I don’t meddle in anybody’s business,
but their son was with them, whom we presume to be around 8 years old.

Second of all,
As a parent, there is no reason why your child’s safety is not your first concern.
It’s just sad that this kid looks up to them.

Now, I had my days of drinking. (3 years sober, thank you very much)
And I admit, I too have driven while under the influence of these “spirits”.
As well as ride in with friends and families who were so drunk,
they walk like new born giraffes.
And it was just by the grace of God, that we didn’t die.

But that was a long time ago.
A long, long, long, long, long, time ago.
And there are no plans in repeating that idiocy.

So anyway,
We know that these two idiots will be driving drunk,
with their son,
with a Christmas tree tied on their roof,
in downtown traffic.

So, Tracy and I called 911.
And we reported this guy.

Yes we did.

We can’t stand ignorant, selfish people like these.
What if he wrecks into an accident?
What if it was me?
I was driving with my family too!

So, let this be a warning to you all!

If I catch you drinking and driving.
Make no mistake.
I have a loaded cell phone,
and I will use it.

I will call the police.
I will report you.

Well,
Except if it’s peak rate hours,
or if I am roaming.

What is the cause for the lack of updates?

Four Words.

H igh
D efinition
T ele
V ision

I loooooovvvveeeeeeeeee this new technology.
Everything is so clear and crisp.

HDTV is da ShizniT!!!!!!!

How clear is it?
Well, let me tell you what I noticed so far,

1. I can actually see the grass on an NFL Stadium.
2. Every smudge on their uniforms.
3. Every drop of sweat.
4. The guy on the upper bleechers picking his nose.
5. Jay Leno’s couch for the guests to sit on is “suede”.
6. Each celebrity you though was hot, “isn’t”.
7. The CSI shows are 10 times better.
8. I can see every strand of fur on Elmo.
9. Maria from Sesame Street needs a makeover or a facelift. (She’s freakin’ me out)
10. I saw the Kelly, Reuben, and Fantasia’s Christmas special,
and I saw Fantasia’s stretch marks on her breasts.

And that’s when I realized, I watch too much tv.

No matter!
TV is fun again!

(Now where is that darn remote?)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Exactly a year ago,
I have written here what I have learned about American Thanksgiving.

Apparently,
I have forgotten to mention another important Thanksgiving event.
The day after.

The biggest shopping day of the year.
Or,
The official day for shopping masochists.

Consumerism at it’s ugliest.

For my fellow Canadians to understand this Black Friday,
Close your eyes,
Think “Boxing Day”,
but worsen that experience a hundred times.
You get it?

Not only that,
Malls and Department Stores open at the unholy hours of 5 or 6 in the morning.
And if you can think of each and every person you don’t like or annoys you,
they are all out there with their annoying self.

If I was to go out shopping on Black Friday,
at 5 am,
battling lunatics for a parking spot,
waiting countless hours in line,
and dealing with freaks who are there,
that bitch and complain about how crowded and insane the malls are.

I assure you, if I was out there,
there must be a gun to my head!

In conclusion,
There is only one thing I want to say.

VIVA LA INTERNET SHOPPING!

Where you can shop ’til you drop your bottle of beer!

Today, the United States determines it’s next leader.
Millions of registered voters flock to their local precincts,
to exercise their patriotic duty and be heard for the betterment
of the nation.

Today, Canada determines that the word “kemosabe”,
the name given to the Lone Ranger by his friend Tonto,
is not a racist term.

Today, I am proud to be a Canuck!

You think I am kidding eh?
Well, you can read all “aboot” it here —-> Yahoo News
and here —-> MSNBC

Today, Tracy and I,
painted our living room with a different color.

I must say,
we did a pretty decent job,
considering we started doing it at 10 pm,
and did not finish til 4 am.

We had to wait til Tyler was asleep,
because it’s just impossible for us to do this project
while he’s running around all over the place.

Plus, with my injured back,
I knew everything will just hurt like a mother trucker!
And you know your body will be very sore in the morning.

So, for those people,
who are thinking of doing some home renovations and/or re-decorations,
here’s a word of advice,

“DON’T”!!!!!

So, why don’t we just look at some cool links,
instead of doing something else, like, “work”.

This is the “ultimate” time waster —-> Paper Toss
Now Boys, let’s show them
how to park a car —-> Parking: Battle of the sexes
Check out Rock’s 10 wildest Myths —-> RollingStone.com
Ancient Japanese way of folding a shirt —-> howtofoldashirt.net
Check out the front pages of newspapers
around the world —-> newseum.org

Tyler as a “Vampire Bat”

One of the best things about being married, (or being with someone)
are the late night chats you have when you are in bed.

You know, just before going to sleep,
you talk about how the day went for both of you,
you share funny stories,
you talk about things that happened,
who and what pissed you off,
and the plans you have for the following day.

But you got to be careful though.
Somehow, somewhere along the lovely chatting,
one of you has to initiate how it’s going to end.

One of you has to know when the chat exchange is beginning to make no sense.
When the topics are going nowhere,
someone has to initiate the closing stages, and end it.
Or else, both of you will just be up all night.

Case in point.

Here is an example of a married couple,
who was having a late night discussion about their day.

Pay close attention, on how one of them
brilliantly finished the conversation
and saved them both some meaningless dialogue.

Watch closely because that moment passes very quickly.

Let’s call this couple Tyrone and Tracy,
because those are the names they go by.

(Enter Scene)

Tracy: ….. and so that’s how my day was. Always, busy, busy, busy.
I am so glad it’s over.

Tyrone: You know sometimes when you tell me stuff about your work,
I keep getting confused about who said what to who.
I keep getting the names mixed up.

Tracy: Okay let me tell you some of the names of the people I work with.
There’s Debbie, Abbie, Ann-Marie, Danielle, Claudia, …… (and so on)

Tyrone: Wow! Now let me tell you the names of the guys I work with.

Tracy: Huh?

Tyrone: Yeah! There’s Bert, Ernie, Oscar, Elmo,
Buzz, Woody, Dory and Nemo, those two are hilarious.
Mike Wazowski, James Sullivan, funny guys, I tell you.
There’s Fiona, Donkey, Farquad, Shrek, Gingi……

Tracy: (laughing) Gingi? Who the hell is Gingi?

Tyrone: Gingi! You know, Gingi!

Tracy: No, I don’t know Gingi.

Tyrone: Well, do you know the muffin man?

(Silence)

Tyrone: Who lives down Drury Lane?

(Deafening Silence)

Tracy: Goodnight! (Rolls over)