With Canada’s Thanksgiving coming to a close, I took a moment to reach out to the people I’m thankful for.
To be honest, that list has gotten a bit shorter over the years.
But this time, I made sure I am thankful for myself. For keeping my shit together.
To be honest, it’s getting harder and harder over the years as well.
Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.
It’s funny how this prompt came up today.
First let me tell you a story.
According to my archives, on this day in 2003, I moved to Florida. It was a huge decision to uproot my family and start a new life in another country once again.
See, I grew up in the Philippines and I also left that country to come to Canada.
Now, both times I can still remember how alone and lonely I was for a number of years.
I didn’t know anyone. I had no friends. Starting your life over is not an easy task.
Going back to my first sentence in this post, the reason why I said that the Daily Prompt question was funny is because on this date, 4 years ago, I left the States and moved back to Canada again.
Once more, I left the life I have built, the friends I have gained and everything I have worked hard for.
Sure, I left to be with my wife, but it was a decision I was forced to do because the government whose leader wears a red baseball hat and can barely form a coherent, logical sentence drove me out of the country by using COVID as his agenda for immigration.
That’s another story that I will write down here for another time.
What I really wanted to say from all of this senseless ramblings is that, it has been 4 years that I have restarted my life back and still feel lost, alone and out of place.
Weird thing is, this time, it feels like it will never change.
Today was a shitty day. I have been working on changing my circumstances
to start caring for my mental health.
And yet again, life has disappointed me by giving me the shitty end of the stick.
What’s worse is that I was given hope.
Only for things to fall apart through no fault of my own.
It’s frustrating, to say the least.
It’s funny,
I don’t believe in luck anymore,
but I still blame bad luck all the time.
I feel the same about Religion.
They both have abandoned me.
It has been 9 years since my Mother passed.
As I sit here remembering her life, love, wisdom and warmth, it is impossible to ignore the void left behind by her absence.
In my opinion, losing a parent is like losing a compass that always pointed towards love and understanding.
The journey without them is very challenging.
No matter how much time has passed.
Someday you will meet someone who will love you unconditionally and could never get enough of you.
Sure it may be a cat but that’s not the point.
For a couple of nights now, I have been dreaming about trying to contact my parents.
Both of whom have already passed.
Last night, I was trying to call my Mother on the phone and this guy who answered won’t tell me her whereabouts.
One time, I dreamt about looking for my Father as well. And I just couldn’t find him.
This has been happening more often lately and every time it does,
I just want to go to where they were to be with them.
In my mind, I wanted to tell them I was tired and just want to rest.
Being in their presence gives me a sense of calmness.
They have always listened to me when I tell them my heartaches and pain.
I hate it so much when I dream about them but I can’t have any interactions.
It has been many years since they passed.
And I still feel as lost as ever.
It’s my Father’s birth date today and like I’ve said before, I share little stories about him so he will never be forgotten.
Dad was a big fan of music and arts. He has influenced me greatly with the way I listen to different genres and how to appreciate them.
Mostly because he would crank his stereo system on full blast on a Saturday morning while I nurse a massive hangover.
So wether I liked it or not, I got used to listening to a mixture of songs from The Police, to Everly Brothers and all the way to a roaring Pavarotti.
Dad contributed a lot to the music in my life.
But, this picture here is his music.
My siblings.
His Magnum Opus.
And it’s my favourite one of all time.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
I miss you lots.
My awesome friend, Anne from Herschelle.net sent me another set of postcards
from wherever in the world she was in.
I have mentioned this many times before on all my social media handles,
but let me tell you how much this one means to me.
I have not been in a good place mentally lately.
And by “Lately” I mean a couple of years. (Maybe three or four)
Everything seems to be not going my way.
There has been a lot of disappointments, heartaches and hurt.
Music hasn’t helped.
Binge watching and binge eating hasn’t helped.
Even prayers didn’t help.
I have been so angry and furious at everything
that I seem to be numb and desensitized from any joy life can bring.
There is always something to mess you up,
no matter how much you work, strive, pray and hope.
But today was different.
When I got these cards in the mail, I got reminded of good friends.
Good friends who lift you up even when they’re thousands of miles away.
Friends who never forget you and truly know your worth.
Anne here had to go through the trouble of picking these postcards.
Taking her time to write, then go to the post office, spend money and mail them.
People like her are rare and should be cherished.
I do cherish her a lot even though we haven’t seen each other in years.
She never gets tired of sending me these cards and I would never take it for granted.
Thank you again, Anne.
Your kindness and thoughtfulness has truly made your friend’s day.