You guys.
I’ve been sick for days now and you know the rule:
YOUR SICKNESS DOESN’T COUNT UNLESS YOU POST ABOUT IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
So here I am making it official.
Also, back in February of 1986, I was gravely ill and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There was no internet then so I’m telling you now too.
So, my kid is flying in tomorrow for a visit.
I prayed so hard that the weather would be nice for his flight, avoiding any delayed or cancellations.
You know how much bad luck I have with travelling. I just hope my luck wouldn’t get Tyler too.
So, the Winter storm of the century is about to happen and it’s stressing me the fuck out.
Then I remembered how I haven’t had my prayers answered or listened in a long time. Well, at least it sure feels like it.
So I messaged a friend to pray on my behalf.
I think it is working because Tyler’s flight will get here moments before snowmaggedon happens.
Hey, isn’t it easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission?
I learned that from a meme somewhere.
I just had an epiphany!
Every time I get sick like this,
I always hope for one thing.
Not to have the coughs.
I can take any pain and discomfort
any condition would befall me.
But not the coughs.
And what did I get?
The “Coughs from Hell.”
The worst kind.
The kind that makes your nuts fall off.
I always get the ones I don’t hope for.
It never fails.
So I said to myself,
I said, “Self..”
“Didn’t you ever notice that we always get what we don’t want?”
And my Self said,
“You know, you’re right!”
“We hoped not to get sick. We did.”
“We hoped for the Senators to win. They didn’t.”
“We hope not to get stuck in traffic. We always do.”
“We hoped to visit the Philippines or Canada. We couldn’t”
(Light bulb on top of my head)
“Jeebus Man!”
“That’s why we can never have any Money!”
“Stop hoping for it!”
(Silence)
“And stop hoping for that other thing too!”
“Maybe it’ll become yours!”
(Silence)
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I have no idea.”
— and this, my friends, is what happens
when I wait for the Ambien to kick in.